Satire: January 2006 Archives

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has received a lot of heat lately about his "chocolate city" remarks. It turns out, however, that it was all a ploy by his publisher to draw attention to his just released cookbook titled "Cooking With Ray: An Ethnic Guide To Delicious Dishes".

"Yes, it's true," Mayor Nagin admits with a sly grin. "It was all an act to hype up attention around me in preparation for the release of my new cookbook. Shucks. What can I say? I got found out."

Some of his recipes include chocolate:
"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate and add white milk to make a delicious drink."

And watermelon:
"How do you make a watermelon? You take a black seed with white dots and it grows into a nice, juicy, sweet fruit that everyone can enjoy at the community picnic that includes people of all nationalities and family histories."

Or every Southerner's favorite, fried chicken:
"How do you make fried chicken? You take a chicken with black and white feathers; indeed, a chicken with many different colored feathers, because every color of feather is acceptable. Then you fry the chicken up and it makes a delicious meal."

And many more ethnically diverse recipes.

So for all of the heat that Ray's been getting? It comes in handy in the kitchen.

-- Staff Reporter -BS

Contrary to techie opinion, a new study released on Monday reveals that if the current lawsuit against Research In Motion (RIM) shuts down Blackberrys altogether, it won't cause more than a ripple in information interchange.

Why is this? "Because most people that own Blackberrys either don't know how to use them anyway or have been looking for a way to get rid of them altogether," Says the study, conducted by Electric Times Research And Sushi.

The new study, to be published in the tech "Journal Of American Keyboard Jockeys" (JAKJ), reveals that there are probably fewer than 1,000 subscribers that are considered "heavy" users of the device. The heavy category is defined as those who use the Blackberry at least once a day.

"I check my mail in the morning and before I leave work," Says Bob Granger, a database group manager. "If there's something important, they'll usually call my office phone and let me know what they just sent to me. So I really don't have to wade through all of those e-mails to figure out which ones to ignore. People usually let me know by their urgency."

Bob's attitude seems to be the norm among the "heavy" users group, who make up a mere 3% of subscribers.

The next category of "frequent" users, making up 32% of subscribers, average 2-3 times per week. They typically use the device to check weather or sports scores, although sometimes they merely use the device to check the time.

"There are just too many e-mails to read all of them, so I just ignore them all," Says John Wilson, a financial advisor with Wiggly, Tish, and Moore. "If anyone asks, I just tell them that I was out for a couple of days and just haven't gotten to theirs yet. That always works."

The largest category, nearly 53% of subscribers, fall into the "infrequent" category. These subscribers used the device an average of 1.2 times per week. The infrequent group was the group most likely to use the device for its visual appeal, rather than for its function.

"I carry mine in my purse," Says Linda Weaver, an executive at Urban Technology Solutions. "If I'm having drinks with the girls and I see a guy I want to attract, I just whip out my Blackberry and pretend to use it. They usually notice and come over to talk to me."

However, Linda admits that she rarely uses the device for its intended purpose -- a high-end personal data organizer and cell phone.

"I don't know the first thing about actually using it," Linda admitted. "I just know that if it starts making funny noises I hit this button to make it stop. Otherwise I keep it tucked in my purse or desk drawer."

The category defined as "rare" users of the device made up 5% of subscribers. These people averaged just over 1 use every 2 months. They most often used the device to impress close friends and family, although most of them readily admit knowing very little about how to use them.

And, an astounding 7% of subscribers report that they either use their Blackberry device less than once every 6 months or have never actually used it at all.

"My boss just gave them out to everyone last quarter," Says Tom Slidell, an account manager at Barn City. "I've never even taken it out of the box. Hell, a few of the guys put them up on E-Bay and made some extra cash. They don't give bonuses around here, you know."

So, while some techies are screaming armageddon, most "users" of Blackberrys say "who cares?"

-Staff Reporter - BS

The decendants of the famed Donner party, who survived being trapped by snow in the mountains of the Sierra Nevada in the winter of 1846-1847, held their sixth annual reenactment of the Donner Dinner -- the name they have given to the first meal that included cannibalism by the Donner party.

"We studied the records and calculated when they most likely would have partaken of their first human meat meal," William Donner said. "We recreate the moment when they break through that barrier of social stigma associated with eating other humans and realize the benefit to eating those who have passed."

The feast begins by introducing the main course -- nowadays a volunteer -- to the celebrants.

"The first two years we picked a family member," Samuel Donner, a decendant, says. "After word got out what we were doing, people began to beg to particpate in the event, even volunteering to be the main course."

After the volunteer is introduced, he is taken to the cook site to be prepared while the others engage in lively songs and dance reminiscent of the 1840's. Although many women have volunteered to be the main course, they have always been turned down.

"Since the actual Donner dinner was male, we stick to that tradition," Samuel says. "Our decendants may decide to become equal opportunity, but we old timers want to stick to tradition. Heck, they may even cook up a negro or a Hispanic someday."

A few hours into the songs, dances, and storytelling, a dinner bell is rung loudly, announcing the beginning of the actual feast. The decendants all gather around a large table beside an authentic covered wagon while bystanders are welcome to watch or wait in line for any leftovers.

While all of the fixin's have been placed on the table in advance, the spot for the main course remains empty until everyone is seated. Then, with thunderous applause, the main course is brought out. He is carried around so that everyone can see and say their goodbyes, as one Donner diary describes, before being placed in the spot of honour on the table. Then, with decendants humming hymns softly, he is sliced and served to the decendants around the table.

Although some have complained in recent years that the tradition should be halted, many say that it should continue to keep the memory of the hardships of the Donner party alive.

"As long as I live, I'll keep particpating in the Donner Dinner," Samuel says.

Staff Reporter -- BS

A recent blast of average temperatures have scientists brushing off their global warming theories. Twelve cities across the midwest have recorded average temperatures at least seven of the last ten days, causing many climatologists to take note.

"I used to be a skeptic when it came go all the global warming hubbub," Says John Wilson, PhD., a climatologist with the central Thompson County, Illinois weather service. "But looking at all of these average temperatures has made me a believer. It's really happening."

Most people wouldn't be alarmed by average temperatures. And that's the problem, says Wilson.

"Temperatures just shouldn't be average," He explains. "They should be above or below the average, which is what makes the average temperature the average. When you have actual temperatures reading the same as the average, whoa. Look out."

"We haven't had this many average temperatures since record-keeping started," Says Tom Slinder, an amateur weather buff. "I'm doing some calculations but the odds of having average temperatures on any given day is phenomenally small."

More research is underway, but many scientists agree, something is going on.

Staff Reporter -- BS