Satire: May 2005 Archives

Officials in Cocke county Tennessee are scratching their heads after more than a dozen inmates escaped from the Cocke County Regional Prison on Friday.

The prison, one of the newest in the country, was completed in 2003 after more than a decade of planning and building. Inmates began arriving in early 2004 after an issue with the sewage system was corrected.

The prison was held up to legislators across the country as a model of ingenuity. It was the first prison construction project to harness the labor of prisoners from other areas to do the building.

"About 96% of the labor in this prison was done by prisoners," Ray Tandall, the administrator of CCRP, said. "We saved about $40 million in construction costs, which allowed us to invest in state-of-the-art security equipment."

CCRP installed over 500 high-tech security cameras, sensors, and electronic locks in the prison. All of the wiring and installation of the system was also completed by prisoners.

"We just don't know what happened to them," a guard who wishes to remain anonymous said on Friday. "They just vanished in the night. When the morning shift went in, all the doors were open and they weren't anywhere in sight. It's a complete mystery."

Authorities are combing the area and have been telephoning family members of the inmates to ask if they have seen any of the escapees. So far, no family members or friends have reported sighting any of them.

"We'll sure give the sheriff a call if we see him," Trudy Smiley, the wife of escapee Rex Smiley, said on Monday.

Staff Reporter -- bs

With dating services scrambling for love-seekers, one company is hoping to capitalize on one of the senses not often tapped into by the dating service behemoths: smell.

"The sense of smell evokes some of the most powerful emotions in humans," says Brad Kassell, founder of Smell-Me-Not Dating. "We go through all of the usual routines that other dating services go through -- the background checks, personal profiles, video introductions, the whole 9-yards."

But Smell-Me-Not goes farther by offering a service that usually isn't covered by other companies.

"We give the customer the option of purchasing a Smell-O-Gram from anyone that they are interested in," Kassell says. "The potential mate has the option of declining or accepting the release of a sample to the requestor. If they accept, we send out a scratch-n-sniff sample of their body odor to the requestor."

The patch, a 3"X3" square, contains the body odor of a love-seeker that is released by scratching the square. If they are still interested after smelling the object of their interest, they can request a date. The other person can decline if they so choose.

"Sometimes you just smell them and say, 'Wow, that's one special person'", Dana Lane said. "I've smelled a lot of men over the last few years, but I haven't found 'The One' yet. I have found some really great-smelling men, though."

The company hopes to advertise in several major magazines in the coming year by including some scratch-n-sniff samples of customers willing to let the world smell them.

"I think it's going to be an exciting year," Kassell said.

--Staff Reporter -- bs