Satire: April 2005 Archives

During a red-faced news briefing, Michael Griffin, NASA's newest Administrator confirmed that astronauts doing spring cleaning on the International Space Station have found a stash of pornography.

"Yes," said, "it's true. We believe it was left there by Vittori." Roberto Vittori was the last Italian to visit the ISS. He visited from April 25 - May 5 2002 and is scheduled to return in 2005. It is suspected that Vittori had planned to sneak the porn out of the ISS when he left but was unable to due to a change in personnel agendas.

"There is usually a 10 - 15 minute window that we give every astronaut prior to their departure. This is a 'no questions asked' period where the astronaut can do whatever he or she wants without being questioned by other astronauts or NASA personnel. It is usually during this time that astronauts will move their secret stashes of porn and sex toys from the ISS into the returning vehicle."

It is believed that Vittori was caught off-guard by a sudden change in plans that placed a female astronaut near his stash during his 15 minutes of 'no questions asked'.

"Italians are usually up-front with that type of thing," says researcher Alan Williams. "I would think he'd have pictures of naked ladies all over his bunk. However, this Vittori character seems to be a bit shy."

Vittori's stash of porn, consisting of hundreds of magazines, tapes, and sexual aids, was found in a storage compartment near his living quarters. It has not been determined at this time if the material will be tossed overboard, returned to NASA headquarters, or left for Vittori to collect when he returns in April, 2005 to take Expedition 11 crew members to replace Expedition 10 crew members.

"It's some pretty hot stuff," Commander Leroy Chiao said. "I would want this stuff back if I was him. You know, a young stud like him needs to keep the juices flowing, if you know what I mean."

--Staff Reporter -- bs

The McEwen, Tennessee school board called an emergency session Monday night to deal with the case of Martha Sanders, the third grade teacher who switched classes with fellow third grade teacher Lisa Brown.

"We plan to discuss the ramifications that Mrs Sanders' actions will have on the school, the community, and the state education system," Barbara Thompkins, a school board member, said as she hurried to join the rest of the board members inside The Hot Stop. The board has been meeting in the local restaurant since a tornado damaged the prior school board meeting place, Bucket 'O Chicken, in 1998.

An anonymous source said that on Monday, 16 May 2005, Mrs Martha Sanders, 39, approached fellow teacher Miss Lisa Brown, 26, before the morning bell sounded and asked her if she would switch classes with her for the day on Monday, 23 May 2005. Upon considering added incentives not disclosed to the source, Miss Brown accepted the offer. Authorities are investigating to determine the legality of the situation and whether any bribes were involved.

"The bottom line is, I think, that we have two teachers that conspired against the system set forth by the administration to provide due education to the students that we are entrusted with," said school principal Deke "Red" Johnson. "Whether this is a case of illegal doings or whether it is just a case of mistrust doesn't lessen the severety that it has caused to our school and community."

Mrs Sanders said by phone that the arrangement "was not illegal in any way" and that she "could not disclose" what exchanges may have been made to secure the deal.

Sources close to the investigation describe Sanders' class as "unruly, medevial, smelly, rude, twits" that "need a low bottom ass whoopin'."

Others in the community say that the whole situation is "hogwash".

"I don't know why they're so upset about them two teachers yonder switchin' up," Brad Unland, a local resident, said. "When we got the flashers down at the courthouse on the fritz and the sewage backin' up downtown. They ought to focus on the important things."

"We don't know if this will lead to any suspensions or criminal charges," principal Johnson said, "but we'll sure let you know if it does."

-- Staff Reporter -- bs

With assaults from every direction, Microsoft Corp. has unveiled its new line of games for the X-Box.

With titles like "Walking Down The Street", "Opening Doors For Strangers", and "Saying 'Please'", Microsoft's new line is sure to be a hit with parents, kids, and lawmakers.

"It's about time that a big corporation has seen the light and is offering these kinds of postive games," said David Walsh, spokesman for National Institute on Family and the Media. "There's so much garbage out there to sort through, now parents, and kids alike, have a choice to reach for a better game."

"Walking Down The Street", better known to kids as WDTS, invoves a first-person view of Mr. Charles Smith. The player uses the controller to walk Mr. Smith down the street in various towns. Players can look into store windows to ogle flowers, kitchen accessories, or various other non-offending items.

Players can also guide Mr. Smith to the news stand to pick up a copy of the daily newspaper or a copy of his favorite magazine: Microsoft Daily.

"Opening Doors For Strangers" (aka ODFS) allows players to score points (represented by hearts) by opening doors for computer-generated figures. The more polite the opening is, the more points (hearts) the player gets.

ODFS can be played on X-Box live so the player can go head-to-head with others around the world. The player with the most hearts at the end of a round gets a big group hug. The other player gets a pat on the back and an atta-boy anyway. And, as in true life, there are no losers. At the end, everyone wins.

Each game sells for $99.99 (U.S.) and will go on sale in time for the holidays.

--Staff Reporter--bs

Borrowing from the much-troubled "Food For Oil" deal, President Bush announced a proposed deal with France that he believes will help restore the close bonds that the U.S. and France once had.

"I have sent a dispatch to Paris," Bush said in an afternoon news conference. "I did this because Jack has changed his phone number and won't call me anymore."

Bush went on to describe the plan: "I call the plan 'Potatoes For Fries'," Bush said. "We'll send them our world renewed Idaho taters and they'll send back their famous French fries... It's time to heal the hurt between our two great nations."

Bush's plan, which calls for "oodles" of potatoes to be shipped to France in barges and returned as French fries, was hatched over a plate of golden crinkles one Saturday afternoon, aides say.

"I'm also planning on inserting a secret paragraph about getting some of their latrine water for free," Bush added. "The ladies go crazy over that stuff for some reason."

When a reporter asked if Bush meant "toilet water", Bush responded proudly that "over there they call it a latrine. Not a toilet, son."

"I look forward to the day when we can work hand-in-hand with our friends the French. That'll be the day when our ports will be full of barges leaded with French fries."

-- staff reporter -- bs

Wendy's corporation, taking the recent finger-in-the-chili incident in stride, has launched its newest contest.

"We believe that our customers will enjoy this contest," said Joe Slate, public relations officer for Wendy's Inc.

Customers have a chance to win $1 million U.S. when they order a Wendy's chili of any size. There will be one winner per month for the eight months starting in June.

When customers order their chili, all they need to do to win the $1 is find one of Dave Thomas' fingers in the chili.

"We thought it was a great way to celebrate Dave's ingenuity and to also bring his human touch back to our products," says Slate.

Wendy's Inc. board members had Thomas, the founder of Wendy's, exhumed earlier this month and removed his fingers and thumbs. After testing, it was decided that the thumbs would not be used.

"He had a growth on one thumb," said Slate. "We thought it'd be better marketing to have an even number of winners -- eight in this case -- instead of nine, because we had to throw the one thumb out."

The contest has an added protection against potential counterfeiters by using Dave's actual fingers.

"Once the potential winner presents the finger," Slate says, "it will be subjected to DNA analysis to verify that it is actually Dave's finger. Once that has been verified, the finder will recieve his or her $1 million prize."

Children who find a finger will have to let their parent or guardian claim the prize by presenting the finger since minors aren't eligible to recieve the payout.

Wendy's Inc. plans to return Dave's fingers to his coffin after the contest ends in March 2006.

-- Staff Reporter -- bs