Recently in Satire Category

Hundreds more lined up today to file claims that they are the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith’s infant daughter.

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The line at Bobby’s Stop ‘N Fill stretched out the front door as Bobby completed the legal paperwork for the potential fathers to be.

“I didn’t go to law school,” Bobby admitted. “But I don’t think most lawyers did, either.”

The line, although long, moved along swiftly.

“I’ve had plenty of practice since this thing all got started,” Bobby said. “I know exactly what to ask and where the information should go.”

Bobby even hired a couple of high school students to be his assistants. One is charged with replenishing his stacks of forms and pens while making sure that his coffee cup is always half-full and steamy hot. The other is assigned the task of taking the completed forms from Bobby and putting them into envelopes for mailing. At the end of the day the bag of envelopes is taken to the post office and sent out.

“I’m really hopeful that I’ll win,” says George Thomas, a local resident. “I figure I’ve got as much of a chance as anyone else, so why not throw my DNA in the ring?”

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Although the grand prize is Anna’s infant daughter and the whole of her estate, the consolation prizes are attractive as well.

“If I can get a settlement from her estate, I’d call myself a winner,” Don Schite said. “But I’d hold out for enough to redo my roof and buy a bass boat. That’d be my minimum.”

Bobby says that he’ll continue to help customers file for paternity until the judge declares a winner.

“I guess things will get boring again after that,” Bobby laments. “But maybe by then the Powerball will be up. That’ll get people buzzing.”


Staff Writer - BS

A fire extinguisher plant in Kansas City, Missouri was destroyed by fire on Friday after an unidentified worker ignored a "No Cellphones" warning sign.

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The worker, disgruntled about having to work overtime, opened his cellphone to call his poker buddies to tell them that he would not be making it to their weekly game. The cellphone sparked a blaze that quickly engulfed the 15,000 square foot plant and sent fire extinguisher canisters flying for miles.

No one was injured in the incident. The plant manager estimates that it will take about six months to restore operations.

Staff Writer - BS

In an unexpected side-effect of the new definition of bodies in our Solar System by the International Astronomical Association, Rush Limbaugh has been demoted to the status of 'Minor Planetary Body'.

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"Yes, it's true," Astronomer Will Sanders said. "I was hoping no one would look so closely, but it is true. Rush is now a MPB."

Along with Rush, several other notables have changed status. Among them...

  • Rosie O'Donnell also becomes a Minor Planetary Body
  • Calista Flockhart and Kate Moss become Sub-Microscopic Phase-shift Entities (which Astronomers are still debating whether they actually exist or not)
  • Kirstie Alley becomes a Variable-Mass Interloper
  • Tom Cruise becomes a Low-Mass Gravity Well Object
  • Sally Struthers becomes a Medium Velocity Black Hole

While the definition continues to be scrutinized and refined, it is expected that these changes will stick like a glazed doughnut in Dennis Hastert's hand.


Staff Reporter - BS

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