New Planet Guidelines Downgrades Rush Limbaugh To 'Minor Body'

In an unexpected side-effect of the new definition of bodies in our Solar System by the International Astronomical Association, Rush Limbaugh has been demoted to the status of 'Minor Planetary Body'.

"Yes, it's true," Astronomer Will Sanders said. "I was hoping no one would look so closely, but it is true. Rush is now a MPB."

Along with Rush, several other notables have changed status. Among them...

• Rosie O'Donnell also becomes a Minor Planetary Body
• Calista Flockhart and Kate Moss become Sub-Microscopic Phase-shift Entities (which Astronomers are still debating whether they actually exist or not)
• Kirstie Alley becomes a Variable-Mass Interloper
• Tom Cruise becomes a Low-Mass Gravity Well Object
• Sally Struthers becomes a Medium Velocity Black Hole

While the definition continues to be scrutinized and refined, it is expected that these changes will stick like a glazed doughnut in Dennis Hastert's hand.

Staff Reporter - BS